


In Dreams

by FlailingZombie



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Angst, Geekery, M/M, More angst, Romance, Sex, Sexual Content, slight body worshipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-04 12:32:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlailingZombie/pseuds/FlailingZombie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander gets a visitor at night that leads to changing feelings between old friends. *cough* i suck at summaries. *cough*</p><p>[extended hiatus on this while i re write and sort out where it was going. i managed to write myself into such a huge corner that i need to redo everything to fix it. i'm sorry! it's still being attempted, but i managed to bugger it up way too much to handle. WILL BE FINISHED. eventually....]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xxenjoy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/gifts).



> ok, never posted anything before, and i blame xxenjoy for this one happening. i know i jump past/present tense a lot, and i try to correct it, but i tend to miss a few...

it's been ten years since they defeated the First Evil, destroying his life long home town of Sunnydale. ten years of loss. ten years of mourning. ten years of fighting the good fight, bouncing from town to town, country to country, collecting and training Slayers. small victories in the never ending war between the forces of good and the creatures of the night that seek to destoy or enslave them.

after those ten long years, he's tired. he's grown weary of saving the world year after year. day after day stopping another apocalypse or some cult trying to resurrect their long dead leader.

stifling the grunt of pain that tries to sound from his chest as he flops down on the sofa he cracks the tab on a beer, relishing the sound that signifies another too long day coming to an end. after a few slight adjustments of the eye patch covering what used to be his left eye, he half heartedly reaches for the remote control to begin his usual routine of mind numbing television until either he falls asleep, or his roommate gets home and steals the TV for some sci-fi show or other. he's kinda lost track of the newest additions to his friends reportoire.

about an hour into some random vampire movie, (they all seem the same to him these days), the sound of keys jingling and the lock thud attracts his attention to the main entrance down the hall. he turns his head to the sound of his roommate closing the front door and dropping his briefcase in it's usual spot by the door to wait until he relaxed a little, before returning it to his small desk in their shared library at the back of the house.

"hey Andy, another fun day, huh?" his comment is greeted by a heavy sigh and the sounds of feet shuffling from the doorway to the livingroom, ending with the tired blonde flopping gracelessly onto the sofa beside Xander, nearly landing his head in the larger man's lap. Xander gives a soft chuckle and shifts a little to make more room, not that he has a problem with the arrangement, over the years he and Andrew have become quite close friends, and Xan held Andrew close to the same level of friendship as Willow and Buffy, so practically sitting on top of each other wasn't an issue.

Andrew sits up a little, loosening his tie and brushing the maybe a little too long hair out of his eyes before not so subtly removing the remote from Xan's lap, flipping channels til he sees the welcoming smile of his favorite second in command, Commander Riker. "new Slayer. she has got some kind of attitude on her. i mean, not as much as Faith, but man, does she resist training." the sounds of alarms blaring from the bridge of the Enterprise distracts them both for a moment before he continues, pulling his legs up under himself to get more comfortable. "remember that girl you found down in Chile? the one with the really hard to pronounce name?" the one eyed now former Watcher nods once as he sips his beer. "well, apparently she doesn't get along /at all/ with our new girl, Melissa, and now they've got some kind of competition to see who can stake the most vamps in a night, and of /course/ it was my night to take them on patrol." Andrew pauses his retelling of his day long enough to remove his suit jacket, tossing it over the chair to his right, resettling into his seat to regail his friend with his day. "after they both bagged three, Donna and i, you remember Donna, that really sweet one that lived with us for a few weeks in Cincinatti before she moved in with Willow?" another small nod. Xander knew better than to try to say too much during the debriefing of Andy's Watcher duties. there was just no point until the bulk of information has been released. "well, she's in town for a few weeks to help out in training the new crew. she says hi, by the way. so sweet. anyway, Donna and i had gone a little ahead to scout the area and catch up on things, when Melissa comes running past us, full body tackling a vamp, totally not even looking to see if he was alone!" Andrew shifts again, getting fairly into his story "she had no stake in her hand, no sword, nothing! Donna and i both tried to remind her of proper procedure, always have your stake, never go in alone like that, but did she listen? no, of course not." Xan has to hold back the laugh at the expression of indignation on Andrew's face, but allows a wide smile to form, still finding Andrew's seriousness about his job amusing after all these years. "after she got knocked around a bit Donna dusted the vamp and we called it a night."

Xander finishes his beer and signals Andy with his empty one in a silent offer to get him one as he stands carefully, favoring his left leg while trying to hide his little aches and pains from his too often concerned friend. Andrew notices his slight limp, of course, but doesn't mention it. he knows Xan likes to try to pretend he's fine, even when he's practically dying, which has happened more than once over the years. he shakes his head, giving a polite smile of refusal, and waits for him to return before continuing with his evenings events.

as the night wears on Xander and Andrew broach many topics, from the basics of Xanders day, filled mostly with repairing various items damaged by training Slayers, basic weapons training with said Slayers, then his quick trip to medical to see to a minor injury from an over enthusiastic girl, more about Andrew's Slayers, his watcher duties, and the new assistant that just can't seem to keep everyone's names straight, then, as Xander finished off beer after beer, more intense topics, such as how much they both missed Anya, whom they both remember as a shining hero, never ceasing in the fight until the last possible moment. over the years Andrew has retold her final moments to Xander many times, sometimes with an embellishment so crazy no one could possibly believe it, but usually just how brave she was, even when she knew she wouldn't make it out alive. Xander still calls her 'his girl', and Andrew still calls her 'the perfect woman'. before long Xander dips into his former depressive state of mind, which Andrew is always ready for, and always hoping he'll never have to see again. (having to call Willow for a twenty four hour suicide watch is never a good way to get her attention)

he lets Xander say what's on his mind, mostly lamenting his loneliness and dating failures, but puts a stop to it spiraling out of control with a few well placed words that he's had to use a few too many times, but are no less effective. a contemplative slience passes between the two men, and after reassurances that he was ok again, a gentle embrace and 'see, i'm fine, really' smile, Xander unsteadily climbs off the couch and heads to bed.

with one last wave goodnight Xander wanders into his bedroom, stripping out of his worn tee shirt and jeans with each step, finally landing face down on his bed in just his boxers and his beginning to show it's years of constant adjustments eyepatch.

a few minutes of near unconsciousness pass and the muffled sounds of his fellow exhausted Scooby heading to bed can be heard passing his door, continuing on to his own room down the hall. after the quiet click of the other bedroom door Xan pulls himself up further on his bed, pulling off his eyepatch and tossing it to his side table in a well practiced fluid movement, leaving his arm where it lands, dangling over the edge of his bed.

a strange feeling on his right foot shakes him from his drunken half sleep, but, far too confused and sleepy to really place what the feeling is, he simply moves his foot a little and flops his head to the other side. a few minutes later the feeling continues, stronger this time, forcing Xan to lift his head to try to find the source.

"Andy?" his sleep addled scratchy voice whispers to the persistant sensation, now seeming to be a pair of hands massaging his right foot. he gets no reply from the hands other than a soft chuckle and harder pressure, right in the peak of his perpetually sore arch. "what are you... uuhhooooohh..." his attempt to figure out what was happening was silenced by a twist of a thumb in just the best way, deep in the tender muscles of his foot, toes stretching at the glorious sensations it causes, his face burying into the pillow in pleasure.

while he tries to gather his thoughts on why his roomate decided to surprise him with spontanious foot rubbing, those seemingly magickal hands began to travel. first all over his right foot, then his left, each getting equal treatment, not an inch being missed in their explorations. then both ankles, calves, and knees. everywhere they touch tingles with happiness, the little aches and pains that have been accumulating over the years feeling like they were just melting out of his increasingly tired legs. he couldn't remember the last time someone touched him like this. paid so much attention to any part of him, let alone /every/ part of him.

the hands seemed to know that one little spot in his right knee that always clicks when he walks, and made sure to be extra gentle when tending to the ligaments at the back of the leg. Xander gasped softly as both hands find the old spear wound just above his left knee, now a few years old, (acquired in one of those jungley countries on one of his Slayer searches) that never quite healed right, a near whimper forming in his throat as the constant ache all but drains from the muscles surrounding the large, deep scar.

finally finding the ability to speak Xan rolls slowly to his back, opening his eye to look at his confused dark-of-the-night massuese. "Andy, not like i don't appreciate it, but, why are you doing this?

after a few silent blinks Andrew just shakes his head and leans up toward Xan, placing a finger on his lips. "shh. this is just something i want to do for you. there's no need to talk about it. i see how you struggle to keep all your pain hidden from everyone. how you hide your aches with jokes about your age. and your excuses for not going on patrol are getting worse by the day." he gives his friend a gentle smile as he smooths his hand along his cheek. "i see how hard you work every day to help everyone, just lay back, and let someone help you for once."

before Xander has a chance to think about the words that are now hanging heavily on him, those hands move back to their tasks, picking up exactly where they left off as if nothing had stopped them at all, and really, felt too good for Xander to question anything else about the situation. maybe if he hadn't put away a case of beer that night, he may have had the mental strength to say something more, but as it was, he just drops his head back to his pillow and lay there, feeling every muscle pull, every spasm of pleasure his scars and old battle wounds give him as his determined new hero works every part of both his legs, noticeably carefully working around that one place that might make this situation go from comfortable to awkward with the slip of a finger.

by the time most wonderful hands Xander has ever experienced finish their carefully controlled travels of his upper thighs, (of course after some slight shifting of Xander's legs to a slightly more open position, but only to work on the thigh/hip joints without certain other parts getting in the way, as it were) and continue their seemingly endless journey across his worst bodily complaints, travelling up his lower stomach and love handles, Xander fell asleep, more deeply than he has slept in a long, long time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so i'm posting this now cause it was ready to go, but it might be a bit before i post the next one, due to moving at the end of the month. much busyness. after the move i'll be posting weekly until it's finished. 
> 
> thanks to those that left kudos, and the bookmarker. hi!

One surprisingly awake eye pops open to the smell of fresh brewed coffee, jarring his senses to a single focused point, but Xander lay in bed for a few extra minutes. Images and sensations run through his mind in a rush as the previous night comes back to him in pieces. Brows furrow as he wonders if it actually happened. One shift of his right leg tells him that yes, something did. His muscles still hurt, but right now it feels more like a far away memory of pain, just a small inconvenience instead of the focus. He can't keep the smile from his face as he gets up and throws on his jeans, picks a shirt from his very unorganized closet and heads for the door, making a small 'oop' sound as he turns on his heel to retrieve his eyepatch. He may be fully comfortable with Andrew to the point of sharing something like last night without having to wonder what it really meant, but he still feels self conscious about the slight scarring and strange indentation of where his eye used to be. 

"Mornin, Andy!" Xander's greeting is so chipper it actually startles his obviously still groggy companion, who turns so fast his long blonde curls bounce in a way that actually makes Xander giggle a little as he reaches for a coffee mug, giving it a small flip before filling it with a steaming cup of perfectly brewed as always coffee. 

"Well. someone's in a good mood." Andrew forms a genuine smile watching his normally grumpy-in-the-morning room mate hum his way through his breakfast preparations, near dancing as he cracks eggs and opens bacon. The grin directed at him is so bright it could light up the entire new Watchers council building for a year, and that only makes Andy's smile grow wider. "After last night I didn't expect this kind of enthusiasm, Xan. Must have helped more than we thought it would."

Xander lets out a loud laugh at the comment as he makes a three-point toss of egg shells directly into the garbage, pumping his fist in celebration. "Andy, my man, after last night I think I could take on an entire herd of Glarghk Guhl Kashmas’nik demons." He turns and points triumphantly at nothing, beaming smile still firmly in place. "And not that long ago I couldn't even /say/ Glarghk Guhl Kashmas’nik!" Returning to his cooking he hums a tuneless song mostly to himself, and all Andy can do is stare at him, sipping his coffee with a pleased half smile on his face until Xan finishes his happy little breakfast dance, setting a plate full of delicious smelling food in front of him. 

Few words are exchanged as both men tuck into their meals, the sounds of chewing and forks scraping ceramic filling most of the quite comfortable silence, which is interrupted by the shrill sound of Andy's cell phone playing the original Hulk TV show theme song. Excusing himself with a nod Andrew bounces to the livingroom to answer the call before his voicemail picks up, acknowledging Giles with a peppy overly enthusiastic greeting. Xander doesn't pay much attention to the short conversation, knowing whatever it was about, his always-happy-to-share-any-news-no-matter-how-trivial friend would fill him in when he hung up.

"And another new demon seems to have popped up outside Winnipeg." Closing his phone as he returns to the kitchen Andrew crosses his arms loosely, trying his best to look upset, but not hiding his excitement very well. "I think something's brewing up in Canada. something...evil." Always one for the dramatics, Andrew punctuates his last words by tilting his head down and lifting his hands, wiggling his fingers a little, causing Xan to laugh around his mouthful of toast. "So, i gotta go and see what we can find out about it before it ends up turning Godzilla on us." The blonde sighs and pouts a little at his unfinished breakfast before turning to the hallway, going to get dressed in his favorite sports coat that he felt made him look very professional. 

In the time it takes Andy to get dressed, Xan finishes his coffee and pours a second cup, just returning to his seat as Andrew comes through the kitchen door, trying to get his unruly curls to sit in a somewhat respectable way. "I think I might need a haircut..." He heaves an oh-so-sad sigh, giving up on fussing with one particular twist of hair trying to stick up at his forehead, grabs a piece of bacon from Xander's plate as he passes through to the livingroom for his shoes, giggling as Xan smacks his hand. "The bacon is always greener on someone else's plate, Xan!" Is the jovial reply to Xan's good natured grumble.

Before Andrew finishes getting his shoes on, Xander is up from his seat at the table and leaning on the livingroom door frame, hands tucked slightly in his back pockets. "Hey Andy, um," He isn't sure why he suddenly has to say this, but he just feels he needs to say it. He keeps his eye focused on his friend, determined to get his point across. "About last night man, I... I really appreciate it. Been so long since anyone... Well, it's just been a long time." His hand comes up to the back of his neck, somewhat nervously playing with a few curls of his also a bit too long hair. 

Andrew gives him a soft smile, finishes tying his laces and stands with a grace it took him a few years to develop, but now comes naturally to the small, thin man. "Xander, it means a lot to hear you say that." Andy places a hand on Xander's chest, smiling up at him. "I'm so glad our talk helped you this much. You know i'm always here for you." A quick glance to the clock behind Xander's head. "But i have to go!" He hurriedly grabs his briefcase and rushes out the door, making sure not to slam it in his rush. Xander stands blinking at the empty space that his friend occupied seconds ago, his hand sliding to the still warm spot on his chest Andy's hand was. "Talk? I meant..." His brows furrow in confusion and he begins to wonder if he had actually dreamt the entire thing last night. He shakes his head, snapping from his stupor and heads back to the kitchen to finish eating and clean up the mess he left from his enthusiastic breakfast.

Xander spends the day drifting around the house, not doing much of anything really, occasionally trying to make sense of his night and resulting morning. He's so sure he had gotten a rub down. His muscles not screaming at him is proof of that, but Andrew either doesn't want to acknowledge it, or he had one of the most vivid dreams he's ever had. After a few hours of on and off mental debates he finally allows himself to focus on other things. Finishing the dishes, laundry, convincing himself the carpet could go another day without needing vacuuming, even ending up in the library he doesn't spend a lot of time in, since he had read all the comics he and Andy used to argue over, more than twice each. They really needed to update the already impressive collection one of these days. He lazily scans the titles of some of the non fiction books Andrew owns, actually getting a little impressed by some of the people he had biographies on, settling on the life story of some fiction writer he's never actually heard of. after grabbing a can of pop from the fridge, he ensconces himself comfortably along the sofa to read in an effort to make sure his thoughts didn't wander back to the strange circumstances of secret nighttime massage sessions that are apparently not mentioned outside the room they take place in. 

As it turns out, his reading ploy worked, and before he realizes how much time passed, Andrew comes home, looking tired but pleased. They figured out what the demon was, after many long phonecalls to different watchers all over the Americas, and a few in countries across the world. He gives Xan a brief runthrough of his day, emphasizing all the bits he found most exciting with little hand gestures and nearly bouncing out of his seat on his description of what the demon was doing way up in the great white North. 

Andy apologizes and excuses himself for the night, stating just how tired he is and that he apparently has to get an early start in the morning to contact the proper covens about spells they need to fight this demon properly. Xander nods and smiles, wishing his friend good night before finishing the chapter he had been reading and heading to bed himself.

The rest of the week passed much the same, they worked, they shared meals when they were both home, they argued over superheroes and watched bad movies, not once mentioning the night that was becoming more and more like it /had/ been a dream in Xander's mind, and was therefore all but forgotten. 

Until Friday night.

Scooby focus shifted on Friday, after spending so much time trying to help with 'crisis in Canada', as Andrew dubbed it, they hadn't left themselves enough time to really prepare for an attack on their own little town. Xander had of course, joined the small band of Slayers they had at hand, mostly newbies, but still trained enough to kick a little demon ass, Andrew helped coordinate the attack, and Spike, who did a regular visit to each Watcher to help the newest girls learn more about vampires with first hand knowledge and non deadly fighting sessions, joined in the 'fun', watching Xander's blind side and helping Slayers take down the small group of Fyarl demons that had been sent by some unknown master to take out a few small buildings in the industrial section of town. The fight didn't last long, but with the Fyarl's strength and new Slayer stubbornness, a few of the intrepid band got their share of injuries. Andrew contacted the medics on the Council's payroll, made sure the girls all got seen to, even the ones claiming no injuries, because one was always better safe than sorry, and fussed over Xander's brand new 'gaping chest wound'. ("Really, the claw barely even got me. Look, can't see any internal organs at all. Inner bits safely on the inner") He convinced Spike to help get Xan home and safely in his bed for the night. 

Now lying on his bed, Xander thanks Spike for practically carrying him home, for not carrying him /to/ his room, and tries his best to reassure Andrew that he really is ok, and would let him know when he was in any pain. "Andy, seriously, I had worse in Tunisia, this is nothin." To emphasize his point Xander removes his shirt, albeit carefully, shifting to show the long scar running from his right shoulder blade across to the left of his back, stopping below his armpit. "Now stop worrying. Doc gave me the good stuff, I'll be in no pain for weeks." He shakes the pill bottle next to his face, giving the cheekiest grin he can form in his current, trying-to-hide-his-pain-again state. Finally seeming satisfied, Andrew nods and with a few soft words of thanks to Spike, leaves to putter around, doing whatever he feels he needs to do to wind down his day. The sounds of papers shuffling can be heard as he opens his briefcase to fill in his reports of the night.

"Little sod's got himself all worked up, hasn't he?" Spike nods his head in the direction Andrew bustled off, scarred eyebrow raising in amusement. "Yea, you know Andrew. Always has to be taking care of someone." Xander chuckles weakly as he attempts to slide his jeans off, much to the dismay of his deeper-than -he'd-care-to-admit claw wound from hours before. A frown mars Spikes timeless face as he watches Xander struggle and wince at the use of his torn muscles which were now screaming at him to just stop moving, and cautiously offers to help. "You fought good tonight mate, take yourself a minute to relax, yea?" Xan settles onto his back, somewhat awkwardly, pants not quite below his boxers as he isn't able to bend enough to remove them. "I was trying, really, but I think my body and my brain are having a bit of a war about which one is doin it right. I think Levis wins this round" Spike shakes his head, laughing softly, taking a step toward Xander. "Ya git, hold still. Lemme give ya a hand."

All Xander can do is drop his arms to his sides with a huff of frustration, signalling to Spike that he officially gives up. With another shake of his head Spike grabs onto the waistband of Xan's jeans, unzips them with a mocking look toward the now shrugging man laughing at himself on the bed, and pulls them off, careful not to jar Xander too much, not wanting to risk reopening his fresh sutures and make everything worse. He slides the pants over Xan's feet and tosses them aside, then helps Xan to shift more comfortably onto his back and under the covers. 

"Appreciate it man, thanks" Xan lifts his arm in a half gestured wave of appreciation and attempts to find a position that should be less likely to further injure himself. With a slight nod and murmured "g'night" Spike exits the room, flicking off the light and gently closing the door behind himself, saying a few brief words to Andrew before heading out to his room at the small watchers building in the south end of town. 

It's not long before Xander falls into a light sleep, having not taken any pain medication since he left the medlab at the local watcher HQ, and after checking on him four times Andrew tiredly takes himself to bed, satisfied that Xander isn't in as much pain as he imagines.

An unknown amount of time passes as Xan drifts in and out of sleep, occasionally rolling onto his stitches, having to grit his teeth to keep from shouting and causing more worry to his already over protective roommate. During one particularly painful roll he thinks he hears a sound coming from the other side of his room. He just ignores it in favor of reaching for his pain medication and water on the side table. 

"Here, let me" The sudden soft voice next to his bed startles him enough to make him suck in a breath and place his hand over the bandage as he winces in pain. "Andy? man, you gotta give a guy some warning before you ninja like that." Xander attempts a weak chuckle and lays his head back on his pillow, hand reaching for the water and pills held out my slim worried fingers. "Is it that bad, Xan?" Andrew sits at the edge of the bed, deep frown creasing his brow as he looks at the wound dressings, obviously wanting to check the damage underneath. "Just first night aches is all, really. It'll be fine, we got the best docs at watcher central." He hands back the water glass, the best 'everything's fine' smile he can muster firmly in place. 

It's obvious that his friend doesn't believe him as he begins fussing with the blankets, making sure they're straight and in no way a hindrance to the sleep the medication would soon help the one eyed fighter get. An eye roll and mock complaints are rewarded him for his efforts, and they both laugh softly for a moment before the room falls silent again. They both attempt to speak at once, smiling at each other and signalling for the other to proceed. It's Xander that breaks the silence first. "Andy, you know you don't have to go to trouble for me, right? I mean, the other night, this." He gestures vaguely to his side. "You have enough to deal with without having to take on the care of your invalid roomy." The cheesy sideways grin he shoots toward his companion is returned with a small shake of his head. "No, you're not. You're in no way an invalid, or.. or.. anything other than our best fighter, a wonderful leader, and..." He cautiously places his hand on Xander's chest, careful of the wound. "You're just... you're wonderful." Xander's eye couldn't decide if it would widen in shock at the statement, or close at the emotions he felt in that quiet near shaking voice. "And, i want to make sure you know that." 

Before Xander can think of anything to say in response, the hand on his chest begins to move, light circles against tender skin, barely making contact, but feeling so good, it's all he can do to make eye contact in a silent conversation before making a near imperceptible nod, and relaxing back into the pillows again. Hands move so gently Xan is barely sure he 's really feeling them, first in small circles around his chest, down his uninjured side, trailing together over firm biceps, down to calloused fingertips, softly urging the release of tensions built from too many years of fighting a fight so few non super powered people in the world could do. Shoulders tingle with each movement of deft fingers gently working out knots, sighs of contentment escaping a chest that carried the weight of the world, so many times. Xander could feel sleep creeping up to claim him as those wonderful hands give him the best not quite massage he's ever felt, from one of the last people in the world he would ever imagine would be performing it. No longer able to even open his eye, he simply lays silent, concentrating on the sensations. He can feel the whisper soft trails along his entire body, save the worst part of his deep claw wound, around his hips, as far along his back as can be reached without him moving, certain he almost feels a breath against his skin. The last thoughts in his mind before sleep finally swallows him are the feeling of lips caressing that little spot on the V of his pelvis, the shiver along his spine that accompanies it, and the fact that a part of him truly hopes he isn't imagining those same lips on his own before unconsciousness takes him completely.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, chapter three. you can see where my issues with writing come out, and why i've never posted before. lol. but here it is, in all it's here-ness. comments welcome as always.

It's a few days before Xander sees Andrew for more than a few minutes at a time, mostly in a flurry of movements, checking on him, bringing him more water, yapping about this issue or that as he passes by his door in preparations for the upcoming trip he needs to take up to Canada. During one such pass Xan had made it out of the bed, (with minimal effort this time, unlike his trip to the bathroom last night that nearly resulted in him sleeping on the floor after tripping on his own towel) now leaning against his doorframe, arms loosely crossed, amused half smile across his lips watching his busy friend walk all over the house gathering needed supplies. Xander reaches out as Andrew bustles past him, catching his elbow just hard enough to stop him, and laughs softly at the wide eyed response. "Andy, man, slow down, you're gonna have a heart attack. Then who's gonna fuss over me?" If he had two eyes he would have winked, instead flashing a lopsided grin at his sputtering roommate. "Why are you out of bed? There's no way you've healed enough to be..." Unable to resist the adorable sight Andrew makes as he tries to usher him back to bed, Xan simply throws his arms around the smaller man, chuckling as he squeaks and stiffens in his arms. "Xan, what...?" Andrew cuts his own sentence off and sinks into the hug, exhaling deeply into Xan's warm embrace, arms wrapping around his back carefully in return. After a moment he pulls back, confusion showing through his happy smile. "Xander, are you ok?" Xander simply smiles and nods then awkwardly shrugs, still not able to move as well as he would like. "I need a reason?" Andy pauses a moment, considering the current position of both men, still holding each other in Xander's bedroom doorway then shakes his head. "Well, i guess not, no, just, wasn't expecting it, is all." The smile he beams up at Xander is almost more than he can bear at that moment, and suddenly he feels nervous about where he seems to be leading their relationship. Sure, Andrew has more than once come to his room at night, soothing aches, taking real, almost loving care of him, but never seems to acknowledge it after the fact. Was it something he wanted to just keep a secret? Was it even something he was willing to admit to, hoping Xander would forget about it, or treat as if it were simply some pain-addled hallucination? A moments consideration more and he pulls his friend back to his chest for another hug, deciding this would be it until Andrew made the next move. "You're leaving tomorrow, just gonna miss you is all" Hoping that sounded enough like a friendship thing to be a valid excuse for the hugs, Xan anxiously waits for a response, but luckily not for long. "Awe, Xan, I'm only gonna be gone for a few days. Willow's coming to town while I'm gone to make sure you're gonna be ok without me." This time the hug was returned with a bit more confidence, more like an 'i'll see you in a few days' kind of hug.

When they release each other Xan ignores the strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, flashes another bright smile and returns to his bed. Apparently just standing there took more out of him than he cares to admit, but he was certainly feeling better than he had when it happened, mostly due to the unspoken night that won't leave his mind. 

An unknown amount of hours later Xander wakes to the sound of his life long best friend entering his room with a cheery "You gonna sleep my whole visit away Xan?" before a bouncy feeling of her all but jumping on his bed. He's been wondering when she was going to finally show up, probably after a quick poof from whichever city she had been in, helping to train the newest witchy Slayer helpers. "Of course I am, I'm the broken Scooby, I can stay in bed all day if I want to." He lets out a small laugh but shifts slowly into a sitting position, opening his arms which are soon filled with his red headed smiling pseudo-sister. "You really need to get a new hobby, Xan. You know you don't look right all pierced" She giggles softly as she carefully pats the bandages, though referring to a phase a few years ago when Xander decided to try out a few ear piercings before deciding it most certainly was not his look. "Yea, so not a fan of non-born-with bodily holes. Need to find an anti sharp thing dimension to send me to one day." They both nearly snorted a laugh before she took on a look of seriousness, never being one to hide her concern very well. "Really, I'm ok Will." Xan knew exactly what she was thinking, seems all the original Scoobies can't help but worry more about him after losing his eye, and that brief never talked about time of depression before his acceptance of his new less sighted life. But, knowing exactly what her next questions will be he lay back and lifts the bandage so she can get a good look at his healing progress, which she does with well trained eyes, and a bit of whatever powers she's mastered since before Sunnydale fell. 

"Ok, I guess you're right, it looks good. Want me to..." Raising her eyebrows she wiggles her fingers, indicating her offer to help heal him with a little magic, though even her powers could never heal anyone completely, or she would make a point of removing the aches and pains she knows he doesn't realize she can physically see in him, even when just laying there. She doesn't need to be the most powerful witch in creation to be able to read her friend like a spell book. He pretends to consider it a moment then gives her a small nod, preparing himself for the cold sensation that he knows is to follow. Giving him a slight 'sorry' smile, her hand glows softly, like a faint glow-in-the-dark star he used to have on his bedroom wall as a child, then she places her hand gently over his near closed wound, chills running down his spine reminding him of... He pauses at the look she gives him, closing his eye as he remembers when they have physical contact of this kind it's basically a bridge between them, and his thoughts poured out into her mind like a waterfall. 

"Xander... what was that?" She finishes healing him, basically just speeding up the natural healing process to about two months along, a new off wihte scar being most of what's left behind. He tries to change the subject with his thanks, asking her how training is going, anything but what had happened those two nights, but she simply gives him resolve face and waits for him to relent. With a heavy sigh Xander shifts over on the bed, resting against the headboard and making room for her to sit beside him, their usual serious talk position, while he debates how to talk about this.

"Honestly? I have no idea what to call it, but, well, i think... I think Andrew might be trying to... You know, start things... With me." Her eyebrows shoot higher into her hairline then she furrows her brows, looking toward the far wall, but at nothing. "That was Andrew? I mean, I saw hands, but, the rest was a bit... fuzzy" Xander simply nods, picking at a loose thread in the waistband of the sleeping pants he managed to put on after the bathroom incident. (If i have to sleep on the bathroom floor, I sleep warm!) "Have you talked to him about it?" Shaking his head Xander turns to look at his confidant of the last twenty years, frustration evident in his one good eye. "No, that's the thing, I tried to, but he acts like it never happened, like, won't even acknowledge it at all, so, I have no idea what he really wants from it." He vaguely gestures to his head with one hand. "You saw what happened Will, what am I supposed to make of that?" She takes a moment to think about all the images she got from Xander's memories, even as he attempted to hide them, piecing together the two nights and his emotions attached to each one. "What do you want to make of it?" He opens his mouth to reply, realizing he truly has no idea /what/ he wants, just /that/ he wants. "I... I dunno. I.." He pauses, rubs the heel of his hand over the space where his left eye used to be, signals to Willow to pass his eyepatch, which she does of course, knowing how he feels about being around people without it, even her. As he pulls it on and leans on her shoulder, he's still thinking over his answer. She rests her head on the top of his, taking his hand in hers, rubbing slow circles around the palm of it as she often does when he has something major and life changing to think about, so, every time they're together, really. "Well, start with how you feel about Andrew. Do you think you could be with him? Like, more than just as comic book buddies?" She smiles against Xanders head as she feels him shift at her question. "I never thought about it before, maybe? I mean, we get along great, have endless things to talk about, and it's not like i've never been with a man before, don't give me that look, I told you about when I had too much demony booze in Marrakesh." He smiles as she lightly smacks his palm at his comment, but it was true. He had a long talk with her about it, and they both decided he wasn't straight. Not gay, just more into personalities than the package they came in. That was his last relationship, and it only lasted two months. But this was different. It's Andrew. Former enemy, now trusted friend, colleague, and roommate. Could there be more to them than just that? 

They continue to talk about it for hours, the good things, the bad things, why it makes sense for them to be together, especially if Andrew is going out of his way to make Xan feel good, the confusion of not being able to discuss it outside the bedroom the next day. Once the rest of Xan's body catches up to the healing Willow did, they move to the kitchen to prepare some dinner, the conversation finally winding down with the decision that yes, he does want more with Andrew, it seems to make so much sense to him now, and if it happens again, Xander would force them into talking about it. 

After making sure he was feeling better after he healing, Willow decides he would be ok on his own for the night, she wants spend the night at the local watcher HQ, (They have jet tubs in the guest rooms, can't pass that up!), and once they had their usual round of 'what's new in your life' while watching some good old terrible movies, she gives Xander a big hug, promising to check on him once more before Andrew gets back from Canada, and teleports herself to where she'll be staying for the night. He glances at the clock after she leaves and shakes his head at the time, a little after 2 am. This happens every time they're together, and even when he's exhausted in the morning, it's always so great to see Will that he just stopped caring if he lost sleep while hanging out. He runs through his before bed tasks, revelling in the lack of pain as he goes, finally settling into bed with the entire conversation of the night playing through his mind. 'If it happens again, we are so talking about this, Mister Wells.' An image of his smiling friend (potential lover?) set in the front of his mind has him falling asleep with a smile on his face, and thoughts he never thought he would have about him.

All throughout the next day Xander's entire body buzzes with anticipation, his nerves on edge to the point where Willow has to chastise him for forgetting to eat that morning when she stops by for lunch. They only discuss the situation briefly, as she decides taking his mind off it would be for the best right now. He takes her to the few tourist spots in town, the last one being at the top of a mountain with a breathtaking view of the town below where they sat for a long time, reminiscing over a picnic lunch before she gets a psychic 'phonecall' signalling the end of their never-happens-often-enough visit. With a kiss on the cheek Willow says goodbye to Xander and teleports him home as she takes herself to her destination. "You know i hate when you do that Will!" Xan laughingly yells to the air before putting away the picnic supplies and trying to find something to further occupy his mind until tomorrow. He spots the biography he had been reading a few weeks ago, still sitting on the coffee table and scoops it up on his way to his room, deciding to read for a while before bed. 

He's unsure what time he fell asleep, but he's sure there's a hand running over the new scar on his side. His eye snaps open and he grabs Andrew's wrist, causing a startled gasp to break the silence. "Andrew, I thought you weren't back til tomorrow." The confused look must have been evident, even in the now totally dark room as Andrew gently pulls his wrist free from Xan's not-too-tight grip. "Um... Came back a bit early. I..I wanted..." Andrew turns his head away, but it's too dark for Xan to read his expressions. "Wanted what?" A whispered reply from Xan as he slowly reaches for Andrew's shoulder. The smaller man stiffening under the touch, suddenly so unsure of what he should say. Xan sighs but doesn't remove his hand, trying to coax Andrew to look back at him so they could talk. 

Finally collecting his thoughts enough, Xander pulls himself up to sit next to Andrew, close, but not crowding, and rests his hand on Andy's lower back, signalling him to face him "Andrew. please look at me, I really think we have to talk about this." Reluctantly Andrew meets Xander's gaze, eyes shining brightly in the dim light from the hallway. "I... I don't know what's happening, between us, I mean, with all.." His free hand gestures between them "This, and I don't know what you want from me." He shifts a little closer, shaking his head as Andrew tries to reply. "I need to say this, just... if I don't, I dunno, I might chicken out and never bring it up again." He chuckles softly, smiling at Andrew giving him undivided attention, looking as anxious as Xan feels. Xander tries to form the right words to express what was beginning to form in his heart for his long time friend. "Each time you come in here and do that, whatever magic thing it is you do to make me feel so good, I can't stop thinking about it. About you. The way you make me feel, it's just... ugh, I can't say this right." He lowers his head in frustraion, removing his hand from Andrew's back to take his hands, tracing small circles on the backs with his thumbs. "I think I..." Another sigh. Why could he never say the words when he really wants to? He lifts his head to speak again and sees Andrew's face getting closer to his own. His heart thumps in his chest and his mouth suddenly feels dry. Another heart beat passes and neither man has moved, staring into each other's eyes, gazes flitting down to lips, the air feeling charged, swirling around them. Feeling uncharacteristically bold, Andrew moves first, closing the distance. Lips brush tentatively together, deep sighs coming from both men as eyes slide closed, hands cautiously moving to Xanders neck, tangling fingers in the soft curls at his nape. Xander shifts yet closer to Andrew, his hands finding the other mans hips, pulling him to his lap wanting more contact, needing to touch more as the kiss deepens. Quiet moans escape both of them as they lose themselves in each other, tongues venturing to explore new territory, claiming every inch of the other man's mouth in a heated kiss neither one of them feels they can ever break. Another bold moment has Xander running his hand along Andrew's back, holding him as he turns them to the bed, not ending the kiss even for a second, suddenly sure that this was what he wanted. He wants Andrew, and from the sinful sounds he was making, Andrew wants him too. 

The need for oxygen finally becomes too great, and Xander is forced to pull from the lips he now knows he wants to spend as much time as possible kissing, but he doesn't move away, not with the lips and teeth now kissing and nibbling their way across his neck and chest, drawing deep moans from his throat, and stirring his groin to full attention. The busy man below him obviously notices this development and shifts himself onto his back, bending his legs on either side of Xander, encouraging him with a soft whimper as their lips meet once more. Xan covers Andrew with his body, chest to chest as tongues continue their battle for dominance. They break the contact for only a moment as their cocks slide against each other through the cloth of their pajama pants, causing gasps of startled pleasure from them both. He takes a moment to compose himself slightly after the initial feelings before Xander begins to move his hips slowly against the writhing bundle beneath him, the delicious friction sending chills through his entire being. 

The world around them falls away and all they feel is each other. Hands wandering bodies, grasping anything they can reach, thrilling in the sensations and sounds filling the air, gasps and moans from writhing forms in the dark. Xander slides his hands under Andrew's shirt, feeling the soft skin against his rough hands, and only wanting more. Gripping the edge of the fabric he pulls gently, signalling his intentions clearly he reluctantly pulls away from those lips, lust clear in his hazy eye, replaced quickly by confusion as a panting Andrew places a firm hand on Xander's chest, shaking his head. "No, wait, Xander, not..." He swallows hard and shakes his head again, gently moving Xander aside to stand on shaky legs beside the bed. Xan sits on his heels, trying to slow his heart and calm his breathing. "Andrew, what... did i do something wrong?" 

Andrew paces the room, one hand on his forehead pushing the hair away, the other across himself in a near defensive posture, mumbling to himself. Xander slides to the edge of the bed slowly, going over what just happened in his mind, now full of worry. Has he been wrong about it all? Had Andrew realized who he was with and decided he could do better? His voice comes out quiet and shaky, almost sounding scared. "I thought, I mean... Don't you want me?" Andrew instantly stops pacing, his head turning toward him so fast Xan could swear he heard a crack. "What? No! I mean, yes! Oh Gods, Xander, I want you!" He steps in front of Xander, taking his face in his hands, stroking his cheek with his thumbs to show as well as he could that he does want him. "Just..." Closing his eyes he rests his forehead against the poor confused mans own, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I want you. I want you so much it burns me. Just, not like this. Not yet." He sighs and places a single soft kiss on Xanders lips, eyes squeezing shut as if in pain, then pulls away to look him in the eye. Xander's face shows his further confusion but before he can ask anymore questions Andrew shakes his head and leaves the room, closing the door behind him, leaving Xander alone and hurt, wondering how it isn't the right time, and what he means by not yet. Curling up on his side Xander tries to force himself to not think about it all, eventually falling asleep just before dawn.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here we have the big relationship change moment. good or bad, it's about to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, there are no words for how much i hate this chapter. i've been yelling at it and yelling at it, but it still didn't work out quite like i planned. but, it's kinda needed for the flow of the remaining chapters...so.... yea. upped the rating to be safe, and admittedly, things get a little AU here, but it was kinda necessary.

When Xander finally wakes later in the day he spends a few hours in his room, wandering the small space, unsure if he should go out to face Andrew yet given the preceding night's confusion. Eventually his stomach tells him he has no choice, so, taking a deep steadying breath he grips his door handle and pulls it open, peeking down the hall first toward Andrew's bedroom, then toward the rest of the house, brows knitting in confusion at the darkness he sees. Unconsciously fidgeting with the strap of his eyepatch he leaves his room, heading for the kitchen to make a sandwich before looking around for Andrew, but not finding him anywhere. 'I scared him off. I knew it was too much.' He berates himself internally for a few minutes, debating calling Willow for advice now that he's messed everything up. 

His thoughts are interrupted when he hears the front door lock click, and nearly drops what's left of his lunch as he rushes toward the door, overwhelmed with a feeling of relief as he's greeted by the smiling face of his almost lover stepping inside and dropping his bags beside the coat rack. "Heya Xander! I see someone had a visit from the healing fairy." Xander can't seem to move as he stares at the bags on the floor. Didn't he come home last night? Why would he just now be bringing his bags in? He refocuses on Andrew, who's still chatting as he removes his coat and shoes. "I had a feeling Willow wouldn't let you suffer that wound for long, she's just so sweet, I mean obviously as long as you don't piss her off, cause then she goes all Darth Rosenberg, and let's be honest, no one needs to see that again, but normally she's just.. so... Xander?" Andrew was standing in front of Xan now, concern showing across his features as he looks up into his blankly staring friend's face, still standing in the doorway. "Xander, what's wrong?" He snapped out of it with a slight head shake and a forced smile. "Yea, no, I'm fine. Just..." His face drops as he thinks about it. "I thought you came home last night, man. In fact I'm /sure/ you came home last night, what with the...talking...to you. In my room...thing. Last night. With the..." Xander gestures randomly with a twirling hand motion. "Whole, us, in my room, thing." He makes vague hand gestures that can easily be construed as naughty, and Andrew's expression is even more concerned as he takes Xander gently by the arm, guiding him to sit on the couch in the livingroom. "Oh, Xander. I think that last fight shook your head up bad. I've been on a plane all night. We just landed a half hour ago." After seating his confused friend Andrew goes back to his jacket, bringing back his plane ticket complete with departure and landing times. Xander takes the papers, stares disbelieving at them a moment then shakes his head. "No, no you were here." His voice drops to a near whisper. "There's no way I imagined what we were..." He drops the papers on the coffee table as he stands, shaking his head and mumbling "But it felt so real, when you... when I...with the touching...no, you were here..." Xander wanders back toward his bedroom, flicks on the light and stares at the bed for a moment, leaving Andrew in the livingroom to question his poor friends sanity, then returns to crouch in front of Andrew, looking into his eyes for some sign that he had any idea what Xan was talking about. After a few moments of this Xander furrows his brows again and stands slowly, looking off into nothing before speaking so suddenly Andrew nearly jumps in his seat. "Well. I'm losing my mind then. I can handle that I guess, not like it's the first time. You want tea? I'll make tea." Xander shuffles to the kitchen, cupboard doors clicking as he searches for the tea, murmering that he knows Giles left some the last time he was in town. 

Andrew sits on the couch staring toward the kitchen, worrying more for Xander now than he had before he left for Canada, debating how he should go about helping him. "I know what you're thinking, but no, my marbles are all still fully intact. Maybe that Fyarls have some kind of poison or something we didn't know about and I was hallucinating." Xander pokes his head around the kitchen doorway, flashing a grin to Andrew as he jumps at the suddenly appearance of Xander's head. "Sugar?" Andrew can only nod, giving a small smile in return as Xan's face disappears behind the door frame again. He can hear Xander dropping a few sugar cubes into a mug, and pouring the hot water for the tea, and Andrew decided to contact Willow about this, probably not via cell phone. Being roommates with someone that was basically family of someone that powerful has it's perks, and convenient 'call in an emergency' talismans. When he's alone tonight Andrew decided he'll talk to her about the strange behaviors, until then, he's tired, and just spending some time with Xander will at least help him keep an eye out for any other oddness.

Over the next few days Andrew makes a point of spending as much normal as possible time with Xander, even taking a few days off from watcher duties with the excuse that his trip to Canada wiped him out. There were dozens of watchers being trained so it wasn't a problem to find someone to take his slayers for a few days. They watch movies, talk comics, discuss the finer points of super heroes wearing tights versus the baggier leather jacket options, and at night after he's sure Xan's asleep, talks with Willow about Xan's behavior during the days. They both agree that he seems ok, but something happened to him, and they ruled out it being a hallucinogenic demon claw. 

Nearly two weeks after the events Xander still can't shake from his mind, Andrew has to go back to Canada to help the watchers there finish off the demon they finally cornered and took down. "I guess that's what I get for being a demon expert huh? Free trips to the land of Wolverine and Deadpool!" Andrew lets out a small laugh as he packs a small overnight bag, citing that his flight leaves in an hour. Xander has become more himself again, not avoiding awkward contact with his friend any more, even managing not to stare at him during movie nights when they watch certain movies. "I figure I'll be back in about three days. Need to class it, get proper images of it, send my full report back to Mr. Giles in England, and write up a brief lesson in defeating it." He couldn't hide his excitement. Andrew just loved when he got to be the one to categorize new species, it made him feel so important. Standing in Andrew's bedroom doorway, leaning his head against the frame Xander found himself getting lost in those happy eyes, his mind drifting back to what he now was nearly sure was just a hallucination, much to his hearts chagrin, and he finds it takes actual effort to remind himself not to allow himself to feel what his entire being screamed at him to feel. 

Andrew glances to his watch as he pulls his bag over his shoulder, smiling at his friend as he scoots him down the hall. "Ok, you know how to get a hold of me if you need anything, don't stay up all night eating sugary treats, and do /not/ watch the new Doctor Who without me. DVR it, and we'll watch when i get back." Xan chuckles and nods all the way to the door as Andy mother hens like he always does when he has to leave for more than a night. "Yes dear, of course dear, anything you say dear." He shakes his head and holds Andy's bag as he slips his shoes on. "I can handle a few nights alone, man, I'm a big boy now. Dress myself and everything." As if to prove some huge point he lifts his arms, gesturing to his outfit, even showing off his matching socks with a cheeky grin. Andrew claps his hands somewhat mockingly then takes his duffel back, putting it on his shoulder, strap crossing his chest. He opens his mouth to speak, snapping it shut as if what he had to say was suddenly the least important thing in the world. Xander almost moves to give Andrew a hug, but decides after the past few weeks, it wouldn't be his best idea, so instead just lifts his hand to wave goodbye as Andy disappears out door, the lock clicking into place with a solid thud.

Xander stands in the entry way for a short time, mulling over in his head all the things he wanted to say before Andrew left, even mumbling the words to no one as he turns to busy himself around the house, for the first time in a long time wishing some kind of apocalypse would occur so he could have something to do. As a retired construction worker, other than work rebuilding things for the Giles run Watchers council, getting asked to join the occasional nightly patrol, or training the new Slayers on weapon names, uses, and which demons did what when using different materials. (Ok, when I say don't poke slimy demons with silver, I mean it, you do /not/ want to deal with the resulting goo explosion from /that/ little mistake) He found himself hating his semi forced retirement, mostly because it results in him having far too much time alone to think. 

A full day and a half pass and Xander has managed to completely reorganize the kitchen, right down to alphabetizing the soups, re-categorizing both his and Andrew's comics, taking only a few minutes to skim through some of his favorites for the umpteen millionth time, wash all the laundry in the house, excluding Andrews clothes, as that would only lead to... thinking about things, and by the middle of the second day alone Xander was proudly able to say he had only let his thoughts drift twice, with very little heartache in the process. 

By bedtime the second night he had washed his dishes from dinner, showered, and was almost finished reading the biography he started what feels like months ago. Lying on his bed, only half reading, his thoughts drifting on every topic he can imagine, mostly to keep from thinking about /that/ topic, even debating going out and finding an actual job to fill his wasting days, he couldn't work at a construction site again, but he's sure he could get some kind of work in similar fields, one eyed or not. It isn't long before sleep begins to creep up on him, the book slowly dropping to his chest as his eye slides closed, familiar dreams of wandering hands pulling him into blissful unconsciousness. 

The feeling of the book being lifted from his hands wakes him, and he blindly reaches out for the unseen person before his eye opens, pulling him down to the bed with a squeak of shock. He whispers a plea as he looks upon his nighttime visitor. "Please don't go" The wide, shocked eyes relax and arms wind themselves around him, curly hair tickling the underside of his chin as they embrace, a quiet sigh breezing over his bare shoulder. "I won't. Not yet." The almost too quiet to hear reply is enough for now as the two men lie together, neither one willing to speak, simply enjoying the feeling of being held by someone that makes them feel so wonderful.

Finally Xander has to know. Why are things so different when they have nights like this, when it's just the two of them in the dark, and why, when the sun's up, it's as if these nights never happened. "Andy?" Xan pulls back slightly, enough to look his (hopefully?) lover in the eyes. The beautiful blue is barely visible in the dimly lit room, but he holds his gaze, trying to find the words he needs answers to. "Why..." He takes a breath and starts again. "How were you here, with me, when you were on a plane from Canada?" Andrew looks near panicked, his eyes darting from Xanders quickly, fear evident in his response. "I..." He shakes his head, trying to roll off the bed, escape revealing the truth for another night. Xander's arms tighten, a hand trailing up and down Andrew's back, hoping to calm him enough to get him to stay. 

Somewhat reluctantly Andrew relaxes against Xander again, hand on his chest as he takes a deep breath, knowing that if he tells him too much, these nights together will surely end. "I can't... I... It's not time yet..." Andrew's voice barely comes out in a whisper, he knows he can't keep hiding, and lying to Xander is becoming too much. A tear slides down his cheek as Xander holds his face, quickly kissing it away. "Shh. right now, I'm not totally sure I even want to know. I just know that this, whatever this is, real or not, is what I want. And I think you want it too, or you wouldn't keep coming back." The smirk he gives, meant to relax his bed mate, is one worthy of Spike's facial talents and is rewarded with a soft smile and faint nod. "I don't ever want to leave." Xander's own smile is softly pressed against the lips of the smaller man, gently seeking assurances that they both want the same thing. "Then don't. Stay with me. We can work everything else out later." 

Andrew's reply is returning Xander's gentle kiss, growing more heated with each sigh of happiness, each caress of skin, each movement of the lovers, desperately trying to get closer, get more contact, lose themselves in each other forever. Xander leans over Andrew, his hand travelling under his shirt, rough fingers basking in the soft feel of the silky flesh beneath them. As he pulls at the fabric, Andrew shifts to accommodate his wishes, removing his shirt and sliding his arms around Xander's neck, pulling him down in another heated kiss. All of Xander's questions fall from his mind, finding himself unable to care anymore. They're together, and this time, he's not letting go. 

Xander's hands wander Andrew's body, caressing his sides and his hips, greedily grasping at all available flesh. He trails kisses down Andrew's jaw, nipping the tender flesh at the crook of his neck, drawing a lust filled moan from the other man, who pulls him tighter to his form in writhing pleasure. His tongue finds a hardened nipple, sucking it into his mouth, reveling in the pleasured gasp it causes. Andrew's head drops back on the pillow, his hands tangling in Xander's hair, gripping it, urging him on with a quiet whimper which Xander is only too happy to respond to, nipping gently at the sensitive nub. 

Andrew pulls Xan up again, lips locking over muffled moans, hips meeting in near desperate motions as Andrew's hand slides under the waistband of Xander's pants, squeezing the firm ass as he holds him close, gasping at the feeling of his hard length pressing against his own. A not-so- subtle tug at the fabric signals Andrew's intentions, and Xander slides his clothing off, both men laughing softly at the slight shimmy as he pushes them past his feet. Xander kneels between Andrew's legs as he helps him pull off his remaining clothing, then tosses them casually over his shoulder. He leans down slow, planting feather soft kisses along Andrew's inner thigh, hand drifting lazily in gentle circles on the other, squeezing muscles here and there as he goes. He hears the breathing from his bed mate speed up, nearly panting as Xander's tongue trails out along Andrew's already leaking cock, drawing a long, low moan from the gasping man. After a few more teasing licks, Xander takes him fully into his mouth, guiding him to the back of his throat, tongue still working him into a fever. He glances up to see Andrew's head pressed hard into the pillow, deep, breathy moans interspersed with the chanting of his name tearing from his throat. Andrew's hands settle in Xander's hair, clenching and unclenching in time with the bobbing of Xander's head, then he grips his shoulders, urging him upward, taking his mouth in a passionate kiss. 

He wraps his legs around Xander's waist, arms tight around his shoulders, deepening the kiss before a quick jerk of his hips has him straddling Xander, slowly grinding against him, hands bracing against his chest. Xander looks up at him, shock at the faster than he expected movement briefly showing across his face, quickly fading as his eye closes, pleasure shooting through his entire being as Andrew continues to writhe against him. Tracing his hands along Andrew's thighs, Xander rolls his hips upwards, reveling in the sounds it elicits, opening his eye to see Andrew's head roll forward, eyes closed in pleasure. Andrew lifts his head to look at Xander, then leans down to capture his lips in a searing kiss before trailing kisses down his jaw, working down his chest, pausing to flick his tongue across a nipple, smiling against his skin at the loud moan. Nips and kisses continue downward, across the toned stomach, along hips, teasingly light flicks of the tongue along the length of Xander's shaft, drawing deep moans as Xander tilts up toward the contact. Slim fingers wrap around the base as Andrew takes him into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the head, pleased at the sounds coming from the near writhing man below him. Slow strokes accompany the slight bobbing of his head along the length as Xander's hands grip the sheets, knuckles turning white from the force. A string of babbling and slight curses flow from Xan as the more-talented-than-he-imagined mouth works him in ways he never even dreamed of. 

"Andrew, s-slow down. Keep that up and it'll be over too soon." Andrew releases him with a slight 'pop' sound, wickedly grinning up at him. "Can't have that, now can we?" They laugh softly as Andrew crawls back up to meet Xander's lips in a slow, heated kiss, resuming his previous position straddling Xan's waist. Xander fumbles around in his bedside table drawer a moment, managing to not lose focus on the hands wandering his body, or the tongue exploring the depths of his mouth, bringing forth wonderfully wicked thoughts of how many other ways he can find out the extent of it's talents. A quiet click is heard then a gasp escapes Andrew as a cold, slick hand wraps around his cock. Slowly stroking them together, Xander's free hand reaches up to tangle in Andrew's hair, holding gently as Andrew's hips move in time to the rhythm. 

Andrew stills, pulling back from the kiss to look the panting man below him in the eye as he shifts himself up, pressing Xan to his entrance. They lock eyes as the tip pushes in, both gasping with each movement, soft whimpers coming from Andrew with each gentle thrust from Xander, changing to a long low groan as he seats him fully inside. Keeping his gaze on Xander Andrew begins to move slowly, breath hitching from the sensations. He pushes himself up, eyes closing as his head drops back, picking up his pace as he rides Xander. Hands roam Andrew's body, and all Xan can think is having Andrew like this, so wild and uninhibited, writhing against him, taking pleasure from everything he does, is a sight he wants to see again and again, for as long as it can be managed. Overwhelmed with his thoughts he pushes himself forward, one arm bracing behind him, holding Andrew close and pressing kisses to his chest as he rocks his hips against the smaller man, whose arms are now wrapped around his neck, head leaning on Xander's as his moans intensify. It's all Xander can do to keep his pace, burying his face in Andrew's neck, his panting moans muffled by soft skin. Pleasured gasps fill the air as the two lovers move in unison, rocking against each other, hands and lips connecting everywhere and anywhere, never able to get enough of the contact. 

Xander pulls Andrew back down to the bed, laying over him and taking his lips in another heated kiss as the new position has them groaning in pleasure. Andrew's hips lift, his legs wrapping around Xander's, not wanting to lose an inch of their connection. They move together, both men growing closer to climax with each thrust of their hips, mumbled words of praise tumbling into the air between moans and gasping breaths. Xander's hand slides under Andrew, holding him close, chest to chest, bodies slick with sweat as their passions take them, one final immeasurably intense kiss sending Andrew over the edge, keening a cry of Xander's name as his internal walls clench, tightening on his lover, pulling Xander into his own body shaking orgasm, his body stiffening with his release. 

 

Neither man moves yet, just holding each other as they fight to regain control of themselves and slow their breathing. Eventually Xander weakly lifts off Andrew, peppering kisses across his chest as he carefully pulls out and lies beside him, breaths still coming in quiet pants as he flops on his back, smiling foolishly to himself. Andrew returns the goofy grin and shifts to lay his head on his lover's shoulder, lazily trailing his fingers through the beads of sweat covering his chest. "Well. That was..." Xander chuckles and gestures randomly with his free hand, searching for the right words. "Wow." Andrew takes a slow sighing breath and nods his head, wrapping his arm across Xander. "I so agree. It was...wow." They laugh and pull the blanket over them, the happy exhaustion creeping up in the after glow. 

Wrapping around each other contentedly, sleep seeming to be moments away Xander whispers to the unmoving form in his arms "I love you, Andrew. I know that now." Andrew stiffens a moment before curling around the larger man, forcing the tears from his voice. "I love you Xander." Adding in a softer, barely audible tone "No matter what happens tomorrow..."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...short chapter is short. i just really didn't have much more for this one. next one is a little longer. and hello bookmarkers and kudos-ers! *waves* and as usual any and all feedback is more than welcomed. :)

Shortly before sunrise, with Andrew curled happily in Xander's arms, blanket half covering them both, the bedroom door opens slightly, the sound of two people whispering is heard in the dark. "I told you something wasn't right..." Willow nods slowly, wide eyes unable to look away from her may-as-well-be-brother lying in bed with what looks like the man she was standing in the doorway with. "Andrew, you are actually Andrew, right? You didn't meet a big demon, glowing green eyes, holding a staff, right? Didn't get zapped by anything, did you?" Her gaze drifts over the Andrew standing beside her, then to the obviously naked Andrew in the bed. "No, Willow, I'm me, that's... I dunno, but not me!" His voice nearly squeaks as he tries to keep it at a whisper, growing more emotional the longer he has to look at the sight in his roommates bed. "You're the all powerful witch, fix this, Samantha! Darrin could be in some big time trouble!" "Right." Willow pushes the door open enough to step into the room, attempting to feel out which spell they were dealing with. After a moment, her eyes shift to black and she speaks a few short words in latin, removing the magic surrounding the figure in the bed. 

Xan wakes to a faint glow emanating from his new lover, shock blanketing his face as the form shifts below him. "What..." He looks up to see Willow in his bedroom, looking more witchy then he usually sees her, with Andrew standing slightly to the side, both looking worriedly towards him. Xander looks down again once the light fades, jumping quickly off the other side of the bed. "SPIKE?!? WHAT THE FUCK?" In less than a second Spike is awake and backed toward the closet, naked, eyes wide with fear, demonic features in place. All three of the other room's occupants are staring at him now, shock and hurt on the men's faces, Willow trying her hardest not to look at parts she has no business seeing, ever. "Spike?" Xander whispers from his side of the room, a sheet now wrapped firmly around his waist in an attempt to preserve at least a little of his modesty. "Ookaaay, I think this is my cue to leave..." Willow slowly backs out of the room, places a firm yet gentle hand of support on Andrew's shoulder, giving him an 'it'll be ok' smile before closing the door to give her boys some time to discuss the situation.

Spike slides down the wall, face returning to his human visage, unable to look at Xander who is still just staring at him, head shaking as he tries to comprehend what's happened. It's Andrew that speaks first, quiet, but the sound is enough of a shock to cause both men to snap their heads toward him. "So, I guess this means you weren't crazy, Xan. It just...wasn't me you were actually with." He forces a small smile, but the cracking of his voice borders on heartbroken. "Andrew..." Xander hikes up the sheet around himself and quickly moves to stand in front of his friend, his own heart reeling at the new developments. "I..." He looks to Spike again, the situation slowly processing in his mind, confusion overriding all other thoughts. "I thought he was... I didn't know... I..." Andrew shakes his head, placing a hand on Xander's chest. "You had no way of knowing. Willow figured that was a desire spell. A really powerful one. Everything about him was, well, me. Mostly." He sighs and lowers his gaze. "I guess all these years could have been spent differently...But now..." Andrew looks over at Spike huddled into himself in the corner, avoiding any risk of eye contact with the two broken hearted men standing across the room. "Andrew, you said this was a desire spell? Like, I see what I wanted to see?" Andrew nods once, still looking away. "Then, everything I feel, it's for you. If I saw what I desired, and I saw you..." Andrew lets out a huff-laugh, slowly raising his eyes to Xander's again. "It may have been me you first saw, but it's not me you want to be with." Xander shakes his head, reaching for Andrew's waist, lowering his hand as Andrew steps away. "Of course I want to be with you...I mean, after all this, I don't think I can live without..." Andrew places a finger to Xander's lips, head shaking slightly, obviously trying his best to keep tears away. "No, Xan. None of what you went through was actually me." His hand shifts to Xander's cheek, gently rubbing his thumb along his cheekbone. "What you want, the me that's finally gotten a place in your heart, will never be me." The tone of his voice is one of a broken man. Someone realizing they have to come to terms with the one thing they truly desired in life never being attainable, belonging to someone else now. Xander's hand wraps around Andrew's on his face, locking eyes with him a moment before looking to Spike, still sitting with his back against the closet door, head curled under his arms, looking like he was trying his best to just melt into the scenery. With a deep sigh Andrew removes his hand and turns to the door, pausing after it's fully open. "Xander? Whatever happens now, just, please. Try to be happy." Not looking at either man Andrew slips out into the hall, closing the door with a soft click before heading to his room, leaving the other two to talk. 

The silence in Xander's bedroom is deafening as he slowly moves to sit on his bed again, running everything through his mind. How many times it's happened, that he finally understands how Andrew was here and on a plane at the same time, but not why Spike did it all. He finally lifts his head, unsure how he now feels about the shaking bundle in the corner of his room. Taking a breath he quietly says Spikes name, trying to keep his voice even. "Spike. C'mere. I think we need to have a chat about things." Spike slowly lifts his head, eyes glassy from the tears streaking down his face. "It wasn't supposed to be this way..." His voice barely above a whisper, straining with the weight of emotion behind it. Xander says nothing, pulls the sheet tighter around himself, nodding toward the bed beside him in a silent repeat of his previous words. Spike slowly rises to his feet, readying himself for the anger he knew was soon to be directed at him. He gently sits on the bed, far enough away from Xander he couldn't even feel the heat coming off him. 

There's a long pause before Xander speaks, very brief, and what he says holds a lot of weight in the emotion filled bedroom. "I just...I need to know...Why?" He's still unable to look at Spike, even though he feels the other man lift his head, gazing at him with everything he is, bare and open, near begging Xan to understand. "Xander, every time we were together, every time I...what happened here, I need you to know, I never..." Xander cuts him off, his anger at the lies finally breaching the surface. "Was it fun? Using that spell, making me fall for you? I thought our days of torturing each other were behind us, man. Thought we were friends." He stands, still refusing to face Spike, keeping a tight grip on the only thing between him and the man he shared something so intimate with, mere hours before. "Guess some habits die hard huh? Just had to get in one more round of 'laugh at Xander' while you were in town?" Spike stands as well, tentatively reaching for Xan's shoulder. "Xander, it's nothing like that! I never meant to hurt you! I couldn't... not after..." He sighs and turns his head, mentally dipping into his century long history of poetry, romantic novels, everything he could think of to find the words to make this right. Xander turns to face him, his one good eye burning with unshed tears. "After what, Spike? Not after what? Didn't get a chance to properly rip my heart out? Have to rethink your plans here? Fuck, Spike, I fucking made love to you, like, genuine spine tingling, ruining me for anyone else ever, made love! I can't /believe/ you would..." Before Xander can finish his tirade on the vampire, Spike allows his own anger at the accusations to surface, clenching his jaw he all but yells in Xander's face. "After realizing I was in love with you, you bloody pillock!" 

Xan's face blanks and all he can do is stare as Spike continues his own string of emotionally charged words. "After years of watching you fight, charging into a battle you had no buggerin' business being in. After you finally accepting me for who I was, man /and/ demon, my past, everything I'd done wrong, everything." Spike's head lowers, his voice dropping to a near whisper. "After you believing in me when I came back from the battle in LA, being the only one to offer company after losing the great poof, Peaches. After..." He sighs, lifting his head toward Xander, eyes shining brightly in the dark room. "After years of spending time with you. Learnin you're so much more than the Zeppo. Learnin' your heart. /Why/ you fight as hard as you do. How you fight with everything you are to protect those you love til it nearly kills you. You really are the Slayer's bloody White Knight, Harris." Spike turns away, his arms at his side in a gesture of defeat. He fell for Xander harder than he ever could have imagined given their past and how they used to feel about each other, and he was sure he had now messed it all up. 

Xander hasn't moved once during the revealing outpour, standing stock still, one hand holding the sheet around his waist, not taking his eye off the near rambling demon standing naked in his bedroom. Spike lowers his head, knowing how he feels, and knowing that the way he chose to pursue the man he had grown to love after all these years was wrong, and now after being with him and lying to him, he was going to lose him for good, and be forced to go back to how things were. Not knowing the caress of lover's arms, hearing the power of someone saying they loved him. With a resigned sigh Spike bends to retrieve his pants, stepping into them with his back still to Xander, unable to face him yet. "Guess I'll just shove off then. Don't worry, won't bother you again." Spike reaches for his shirt as Xander steps toward him, tentative hand on his waist. "Wait...Sun's up. You can't go yet." Spike freezes at the contact, not expecting anything so gentle after everything from the last hour or so, and slowly turns toward Xander, searching his face for indications of what would happen next. Xander simply releases his grip on the sheet and steps closer to him, gently sliding his hands around his slim waist, pulling the smaller man against him. He places a single kiss to Spike's lips, then leans his forehead against his, eye sliding closed as arms wrap cautiously around him in return. "Spike. You're an idiot. You know that, right?" Spike doesn't try to defend himself, just laughs quietly, agreeing with a nod and a "Yep." They chuckle and Xander kisses him again before shaking his head and turning back to the bed. "Well, lay your dumb ass down. You can't go out yet, and I need some more sleep before I talk with Andrew." Spike hesitates briefly, unsure if it's the right thing to do. He glances at the door then back to Xander, who was now laying under the blanket, holding it open slightly in invitation to join him. That's all he needs, and in seconds has removed his pants and climbed under the covers, keeping some distance between them, the feelings from before still clinging heavily to them both. Xander shifts forward, winding his arm across Spike's chest, pulling his back flush against him, his warm breath tickling the pale shoulder in front of him. "We're gonna talk more about this. I'm still so many kinds of unhappy with you right now, but, later. My brain has some processing to do." Spike sighs and nods, gently slipping his hand over Xander's on his chest, winding their fingers together. Xan replies with a firm squeeze of Spikes hand, settling against him to rest and think before he goes to talk to Andrew, hopefully to mend any damages between them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, slow writer is slow at posting. Still messing around with fixing the place I just moved into so I get all kinds of distracted. One more chapter at least will be coming, maybe more, but the boys aren't cooperating anymore, and have taken over how the story goes. We're currently involved in a yelling match as to how chapter 7 will end up. So chances are good it's gonna be a bit before I post, but I will! I swear! *crosses heart*

Spike wakes a few hours later to Xander gently tapping his shoulder, holding out a mug of warm blood. "Hey. Morning, I guess." Spike shifts to a sitting position, taking the mug with a small nod of thanks. "Yea. Morning." Xander holds his cup of coffee and sits on the side of the bed, silently looking into the dark liquid, mulling over what he wanted to say, words not wanting to form about this delicate situation. Spike pulls his legs up, wrapping his arms around his knees trying not to stare at the man beside him, whom he had inadvertently hurt so much. They sit in near awkward silence for a while, occasionally taking a breath as if to speak, then sip their drinks. 

Finally Spike can't stand the tension any longer and puts his mug on the side table, sliding his legs to the edge of the bed, facing Xander. "Xander, I...I really bollocksed this up, didn't I?" He attempts to flash his trademark disarming smile but Xander doesn't look at him, he just laughs softly, still looking into his mug. "Right now, I really dunno, Spike. I mean, what you did, how you went about doing...Whatever it was you were trying to do, it was stupid." He finishes the last mouthful of his drink, leaning slightly across Spike to place it next to the blood mug, then returns to his seat, hands clasped across his knees. "It was stupid, and in the end, one of the most painful things I've been through, and trust me, bleachy, I know pain." Spike winces at the tone of Xander's voice. He had been expecting this conversation to not go very well, but he was hoping to ease into it. Xander turns to face him, the hurt showing in his eye, his expression one of confusion, pain, and a breaking heart. His voice lowers, nearly whispering to his unintentioned lover. "Why did you do it? Why did you use that damn spell, instead of just telling me how you felt?" He stands and paces the room, crossing and uncrossing his arms, unsure what to do with himself. "I mean, yea, I used to hate your non functioning guts, but haven't we gotten past all that? Lies, avoiding certain topics, piss each other off games?" Spike watches a moment then looks away, speaking so quietly Xander has to face him to hear it. "I thought it was the right choice. I didn't think you would... Didn't think you would want me. Not after everything i'd done." Xander stands near him, arms across his chest, taking in his explanation with an indifferent expression. "Over the last few years, since bein' torched in Sunnydale, takin' down the dragons in LA, seein' Angel get dust... losing Angel, I've been so lost. My bloody soul is trying to be in control, fighting with the demon, and..." He sighs and rubs his hand over his face, demanding the tears remain unshed. "I dunno, pet. I just got all turned around on things I guess. Demon demanded I get you any way I could, the poof within demanded I woo you, make things all romantic like, and I guess I buggered things up in the combination." 

Xander continues to look at Spike long after he finishes speaking, not sure how he feels about his explanation. Finally he uncrosses his arms and sits beside him, releasing a sigh as he runs a hand through his hair. "Well, you're all morons. Spike, if you hadn't tricked me like this, if you, I dunno, maybe just tried harder to spend more time with me, I doubt I woulda said no." The look on Spike's face may have been comical in any other situation, his eyes wide, eyebrows raised high on his forehead. He opens his mouth to speak, but is unable to form more than a few sounds. Xander nods and leans back on his elbows, taking in the sight of the sputtering vampire beside him. "You said you've been noticing me over the years, Spike, watching me, learning who I am? Then you should know how I feel about being lied to." His tone is lighter than before, less hurt pouring through his words. "Remind me to smack your demon later. I think he's the biggest dumbass in there." Xander's lip curls in a smirk and Spike blinks dumbly a few times then attempts a small smile. At least Xander didn't outright hate him now. 

"So. Note for the future. Don't let a crazy witch convince me a spell is the right way to go." He shakes his head at himself and leans back next to Xander on the bed, propped up on is elbows, head dropped back. Xander laughs and cuffs him on the back of the head as he sits up, pulling Spike back up with him. "For the future, just be you. Not old you, not trying too hard you, just...You." He gives Spike a soft smile, taking his hand. "Sure, if you had come in my room as just you that first night, I woulda been a bit wigged, but really, we coulda talked about it." Spike sits silently, watching Xander trace little circles around the back of his hand, letting his words sink in. "I mean, at least then I wouldn't be stuck with this big confused hole in my heart." His voice cracks on his last words, realizing the depth of this situation. "I fell pretty hard for you. For Andrew. For... See? I'm full on fallen in love here, and I don't even know who I fell for!" He drops Spikes hand and stands, pacing the room again, gnawing his thumb as he sorts everything in his mind. 

Spike hesitates then gets up, standing in Xander's pacing path, hands holding onto Xander's waist to keep him still. "Xan, I'm sorry. I never meant for things to end up this way." He sighs deeply at Xander not meeting his eyes, but continues "I'm a right git for thinking this would have worked out. You'd think after so many failed courtships I'd have learned the right way from wrong by now." Xander looks up as he notices Spike's accent change. His human soul, William, was speaking now, something he had to admit, made him want to listen. "If I could take back what I did, tricking you, lying to you, I would. In a heartbeat. But, I suppose lacking in one prevents me from being a proper judge of my own actions." He pauses to think over his next words, eyes locked with Xanders in a silent conversation of regret, apology, and love. Xander cuts him off before his next sentence starts, wrapping strong arms around his slender frame, burying his face in his neck. "Spike? Shut up." Once over the initial shock of the move, Spike closes his eyes and winds his arms around Xander's back, holding him for all he's worth. The silence that passes is spent with both men running too much through their minds, hearts in pain, neither knowing how to fix them. Xander pulls back with a shake of his head, mumbling "idiot" as he takes Spike's face in his hands, thumb gently running along a sharp cheekbone, then takes his lips in a soft chaste kiss. 

When they reluctantly pull away from each other the mood in the room is lighter, still heavy with emotion, but Xander knows he still has a lot of things to work through before coming to a resolution. "I..." Xander sighs and kisses Spike again once, shaking is head as he pulls away. "I have to talk to Andrew. You, um, you can shower if you want, sun's up for a few more hours. I...dunno how long I'll be..." Spike nods and steals one more kiss before stepping back, gathering the rest of his clothes. "Take your time, pet. I made a nasty mess of things, can't expect 'em to be smoothed out quick." Xander sighs and runs his hand through his hair as he opens his bedroom door, not facing Spike as he speaks. "we're not done here, you know. to be totally honest i don't know how this is gonna end, either." he gives Spike a sidelong look before leaving the room, quietly padding down the hall to knock softly on Andrew's door. He hears Spike duck into the bathroom before he hears the quiet "enter" from the other side of Andrew's door. 

Taking in a slow breath he opens the door enough to peek around it, nearly not seeing Andrew wrapped up in his blankets, clinging tightly to the Chewbacca doll he bought for him a few Christmas's ago. "Andrew? Um, can I come in?" Andrew turns his red rimmed eyes to him, nodding once in reply. He steps into the room, closing the door as quietly as he can, and takes a few short steps toward Andrew's bed, stopping just beside him. "Uh, hey." Andrew continues to look at his blanket, arms wrapped around the stuffed doll. "Hey." Xander sighs and sits on the bed, reaching out to tip Andrew's chin up, so he can really talk to him. "Look, Andy, I... I dunno, I'm sorry about what you saw, and, how things happened, and, I really didn't know it wasn't you." Andrew shakes his head and pulls the blanket back, uncovering his face, his blond curls disheveled and twisting in every direction. "No Xander, none of that was your fault. It was... Maybe if I had said something earlier I... Things could have been different, and..." Xander cuts off Andrew's ramblings, his hand raised between them. "Slow down. What do you mean if you had said something earlier? You mentioned that before...do you have to tell me something?" He attempts a cheeky smile but it's lost as Andrew's eyes fill with tears. "Xander, i thought you knew, I've been in love with you since we left Sunnydale. I tried to show you so many times, but, you just wouldn't see it. You wouldn't see /me/, until a crazed vampire came to you wearing my face." The tone of his voice is crushing, defeated pain brought on by years of being so close to the one most desired, but so unattainable. 

"You... Andrew, I really wish you would have said something. I mean, Gods, this entire mess could have all been avoided if people were just honest once in a while." Andrew moves to speak but Xander continues his near rant. "Spike tells me he's been in love with me for a few years, now you tell me you've been in love with me since Craterdale, both of you popping these feelings out of nowhere within an hour of each other. How am I supposed to deal with this?" He does the only thing he's really been able to do since the whole mess began, and gets up to start pacing Andrew's bedroom, once again chewing on the side of his thumb, other arm folding across his chest. "Xander...It's not something someone can just blurt out over breakfast. You have to know how the other person feels before you can.." "Well, it's pretty obvious how I felt about you! I mean, he does a spell to have me see the one person I desire most, who do I see? You!" Xander throws his arms to his sides in a gesture of frustration, turns to face Andrew again, emotionally raw after the events of the day. "Dammit, Andrew. He made me realize I'm in love with you, but after all this, after what he and I...Right now I don't even know /who/ my fucking heart is screaming for!" He pinches the bridge of his nose, willing himself to stay calm. No one's at fault in this, but everyone is. He hates the situation, he hates that it all came out in one giant clump, and he hates that he doesn't know how to fix it. 

Andrew cautiously climbs off the bed, holding his Chewbacca out to Xander. "Here. Scream into Chewy. He'll take all your frustrations and make you feel better." Xander raises an eyebrow at the doll, blinks at Andrew standing so innocently beside him, holding out the furry Star Wars toy. "Andrew..." He pushes the doll into Xander's arms, firmly repeating his request for him to just release his emotions into it. Xander takes it and stares at it a moment then bursts out laughing. "Andrew, you giant geek. Come here." He opens his arms, still holding the doll, and Andrew smiles and steps into Xander's embrace, sighing contentedly as strong arms wind around him, enjoying being with him, even if just for the moment. Andrew isn't sure if he truly is in Xander's heart the way he wants to be, or if he ever will be, but right now, he's with him, and he'll take it. 

Xander inhales deeply, twines his fingers in the hair at the back of Andrew's neck and debates how to to say what's bubbling to get out. Finally he mumbles "Andrew, when I look at you, my heart does a Slayer style backflip, and I get all teenage girl mushy, and I thought I was going crazy with everything that was going on, you having no idea what was happening those nights..." Andrew stiffens in his arms, a twinge of pain at the mention of the other man who had brought these feelings to light. "And I know now it wasn't really you doing it, but," He sighs, still unsure of what he should say. "I dunno, man. Just, the last few years with you have been, well, awesome. I guess I fell for you, but didn't know how to admit it. And now Spike..." He releases Andrew from the embrace, looking him in the eyes, willing the answers to just appear before them. 

He really doesn't know what's best. Spike went through a lot of trouble for him, risked everything on the chance the there could be something. He went about it in the worst way possible, but Xander understands his demon a little better now, and can find a way to forgive him for his choices. Standing here now, arms still on Andrew's waist, looking into the eyes of the man he thought he fell harder for, he just can't... He slowly leans down, gauging Andrew's reactions each second, watching his eyes flutter closed as their lips meet, feather light touches, quiet exhalations as they pull each other closer. They shiver at the electricity between them, Andrew clinging tightly to Xander's shirt as his ten years of waiting, of wanting come to a head in this single moment. Arms wind around Xander's neck as Andrew sinks fully into the kiss, pouring everything he felt for so long into it. Soft moans break the silence as the two melt into each other, the confusion from a moment ago just dropping away from both their minds.

Before they get carried away they pull away from each other, breathless and more than a little turned on, staring into each other's eyes, still clinging tightly despite Xander still holding Chewbacca behind Andrew. Xander takes in a shaky breath, clears his throat, and allows the smile to creep across his lips. "Well, um... Sorry?" They laugh softly then Andrew shakes his head, adoringly looking up at Xander. "Never, ever be sorry for something like that Xan. That was..." Andrew closes his eyes again, dreamy sigh escaping him "It was perfect." Xander hums his agreement, leaning his forehead against Andrew's "Think I just had to check." He takes a deep breath, finally dropping the stuffed toy, wrapping his arms tighter around Andrew, whispering against his lips "I love you Andrew. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner, and I'm sorry so much crap had to happen for me to see it." Andrew chokes back tears and throws himself further into Xander's arms, kissing him desperately, his emotions getting the better of him. He expresses his feelings between heart felt kisses "Oh, Xander. I love you! I'm so stupid for not telling you for the last ten years. If I had, none of this..." The touching moment is interrupted by the slamming of the front door. Xander's arms slip from around Andrew and he takes a few steps to the bedroom door. "Spike..." Xander whispers and turns to Andrew, standing wide eyed where he left him. "Do you...Do you think he heard everything?" Andrew just nods and picks Chewbacca up off the floor, hugging him to his chest. "You should go find him. I... I know how it feels to find out something hurtful like that." Xander starts to reply, shakes his head and grabs the doorknob. "I'll be back." Andrew watches him run out the door, listens for the front door to close then drops on his bed, goofy grin plastered to his face. 

Xander runs out after Spike, trying to figure out which way he went, but with the sun still up could have only been toward the park across the way, unless he... Xander takes off running to the park, yelling Spike's name, heart pounding at the thought of Spike just walking into the daylight, sparking into a cloud of ash for the final time.


End file.
